Homo economicus’ Weblog

In case you are not familiar with the Darwin Awards, it is a tongue in cheek look at the survival of the fittest. Based on black humour (schardenfreude) where people eliminate themselves from the population gene pool in the most ridiculous of ways.

(Up dated 14/1/08) Special thanks to Fred and Sami who commented that the e mail my friend sent was not the actual 2007 Darwin Awards but one that has been knocking about in people’s e mails. So after some searching I have found the actual 2007 Darwin Awards but have included the other one that was masquerading beneath. Taken in by a fake meme – well I am sure I will get over it.

So here is the real Darwin Awards 2007:

RUNNER UP # FIVE:
THE LAPTOP STILL WORKS (Confirmed True by Darwin)

(26 February 2007, California) 29-year-old Oscar was driving on Highway 99 near Yuba City, when his Honda Accord crossed into oncoming traffic and collided with a Hummer. The occupants of the Hummer were not seriously injured. California Highway Patrol officers found Oscar’s laptop still running, and plugged into the car’s cigarette lighter. Investigators believe that he was using it when his car crossed the centre line. “Driving is not a time to be practicing your multitasking skills,” remarked CHP spokesman Tom Marshall. Oscar is not alone. Last year, 510 California drivers were charged with reckless driving because they were using a TV, video, or computer monitor. A 2001 CHP study cites cell phone use as the top cause of crashes involving distracted drivers, followed by fiddling with music. “Anything that distracts you can kill you, whether it’s eating lunch or working on a computer,” an AAA spokesman said.

Oscar was a computer tutor. Hopefully his fatal lesson will teach others to surf on the information superhighway, not the asphalt superhighway.

RUNNER UP # FOUR:
SUPERIOR MOMENTUM (Confirmed True by Darwin)

June 2007, Illinois | Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by playing “chicken” with a train. Which man could stay on the rail the longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named Patrick Stiff, lost his life. The train continued on, as the conductor was unaware that it had hit anyone.

RUNNER UP # THREE:
BARN DEMOLITION (Unconfirmed by Darwin)

January 2007, West Virginia) Three friends set out to dismantle a dilapidated barn one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of bracing… One industrious man fired up his chainsaw and ripped through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full barn roof, those wooden support beams were all that stood between the demolition worker and structural collapse. It was all fun and games until the roof, sans support, succumbed to the pull of gravity and flattened the man with the chainsaw. As a consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at demolishing the barn.

(Darwin notes, this story is unconfirmed, but no disputes have come to my attention, as usually happens with bogus stories.)

Addendum: This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner. Two other groups of people attempted to remove the supports from beneath a water tower, and a heavy factory roof. In both cases, the structure collapsed without their aptly-named supports. Duh!

RUNNER UP # TWO:
MOLE HUNT (Confirmed True by Darwin)

January 2007, East Germany | One man’s extraordinary effort to eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a victory for the mole. The metal rods he pounded into the ground and connected to a high-voltage power line, electrified the very ground the man stood upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before venturing onto the property.

RUNNER UP # ONE:
WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN (Confirmed Double Darwin Award)

June 2007, South Carolina | A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise. Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building: two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped metal roof. “It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the roof,” Sgt. McCants said.

 AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS…
THE ENEMA WITHIN (Confirmed True by Darwin)

May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor… well, rectally. His wife said he was “addicted to enemas” and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.

Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address!

When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.

The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.

In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an “astounding misapplication of judgment.” Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said they were surprised to learn of the incident.

This was the one that my friend e mailed me. Anyone know where this fake one originated and if any of them are genuine awards that Darwin have given (just not in 2007)?

 The (NOT) 2007 Darwin Awards

Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:      

1.    When his 38-caliber  revolver failed to fire at his intended
       victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber
       James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered
       down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.         

And now, the honorable mentions:       

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
       meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted
       claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence
       sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the
       machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.       

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
       during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a
       woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.       

4.  After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
       driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
       transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.  Not wanting to
       admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and
       offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the
       passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the
       patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The
       deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.       

 5.  An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
       head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
       received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
       to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he
       was hit.